A person’s web surfing history often provides a better window into the soul than their eyes. I’m not sure which of these soul windows I’m opening the shutters on with this article, but 1:00 a.m. last night found me wondering who the person is that performs the monologue about the word “motherfucker” on DJ Assault’s track “U Can’t Stop Us”, the song that precedes “Mista Muthafucka” in the collection I have. And as with all things that I wonder about in the middle of the night, I asked Google.

Google didn’t have any answers, but to my surprise a Wikipedia entry on DJ Assault came up. I guess I just didn’t expect ghettotech to have much of a presence in something so seemingly official and mainstream. Then I remembered that, of course, anyone can edit and create articles on Wikipedia – such is the collaborative spirit of the wiki! Someone hip to the D-town beats must have diligently been making entries in the hopes of spreading the gospel of funk.

Once I followed the link in my search results, I found that the entry was pretty piss-poor: just a three-sentence biography, a partial discography, a section entitled “criticism” and a handful of external links. Wait, hang on – criticism? That piqued my interest so I settled in for the hardy read provided by its one whole sentence, “DJ Assault has been criticized by many for his misogynistic attitude and low-quality rhymes.”

Huh. One line of criticism like this in the face of three lines of biography kind of boils the entire article’s message down to “DJ Assault: shitty rapper that hates women”. Where’s the praise section? How could they leave out vital tidbits like “DJ Assault has created myriad dope beats known to have shaken booties worldwide” or “DJ Assault’s brand of ghettotech masterfully mixes hyperactive broken beats with repetitive lyrics about what really moves everything around me: ass and titties”?

My frustration quickly gave way, as it often does, to mischievousness. I couldn’t sit idly on the collaborative internet sidelines and let some pseudo-encyclopedia talk shit about a man that’s brought so much fun into my life. Since anyone can edit wiki articles, I decided to set the record straight by changing the criticism line to read, “DJ Assault has been criticized by many for his misogynist attitude and low-quality rhymes. These critics have, however, recently been found to be bitches, a discovery that will undoubtedly lead to them getting theys mouths blew out.”

I thought it was funny. Well, at least it provided me with some lulz whilst sitting in front of my computer at 1:30 a.m. And if my dad taught me anything when I was growing up, it was the importance of making yourself laugh. Ideally you can make others chuckle too, but failing that, at least try to give yourself a smile ‘cos there’s enough things out there in this rough-and-tumble world ready to stop you from doing even that.

The next morning I discovered that while I happily laughed at my own joke (and sang the lyrics to “Mouth Blew Out” in my head), a Wikipedia administrator named Conrad Devonshire did not. I awoke to find an admonishing note from Mr. Devonshire that read, “Please do not add nonsense to Wikipedia. It is considered vandalism. If you would like to experiment, use the sandbox. Thank you.”

A few things:

• * I do like to experiment, but I haven’t been in a sandbox since the age of 8 (yes, I know, a pity, really).
• * Since when was vandalism so wrong? Most of the art that I dig comes from vandals.
• * I didn’t post nonsense, I posted fact. These critics of DJ Assault have indeed since been revealed not only as bitches, but also haters, and if they don’t watch it they may get they mouth blew out. (Geez, I was just being nice and warning them!)

Wondering who died and made Thurston Howell III overlord of the online democracy, I clicked on the convenient link to his profile that he provided in his note. There’s enough ammunition in it for me to devote an entire fascist online encyclopedia to it, but I’ll just note the best bits here and encourage you to read the rest for yourself:

• * He was born in Texas. (Sorry Texas readers, yes, some of you are cool but for the most part your state is chocked-full of douchebags and the other 49 of us wish you would have never joined the union in the first place.)
• * He is proud of his Roman Catholic heritage.
• * He was born in 1989 and is currently in high school.
• * Although he spent his formative years in Japan where his dad worked as an English teacher, he is proud of not knowing any Japanese.
• * He believes that “so-called ‘feminism’ has destroyed much of the appeal that the female sex once had”.
• * He is “in many ways… ultraconservative”.
• * He is “fond of Great Britain and the British Isles” and “sometimes spell[s] words in the British dialect of English”. (I’m sorry, Conrad, but that makes you a moron. I once spelled words according to their UK spelling… when I worked as a fucking secretary in London! If you’re in America, spell American. And shoot things.)
• * He thinks that “vandals are fools”.
• * He is still a virgin, but longs to be active in the furry community.

Okay, so I made that last one up (maybe), but the rest are all true! Who spends age 17 listening only to classical music, worshipping Jesus and valiantly fighting vandalism on the internets? I thought no one, but thankfully Conrad Devonshire is out there keeping the world safe, one ghettotech DJ wiki page at a time.

Now what are you waiting for? Befriend your inner vandal and get out there and give Conrad some work to do!

Related Links:

Conrad Devonshire’s Wikipedia User Page
Jefferson Ave: Home of DJ Assault’s Accelerated Funk