Everything changed during the early hours of Saturday morning when Rin IM’ed me this link:
Soon the awesome got awesomer when we discovered this as well:
I knew as well as she did that this… was my destiny!!!
Just last week I was pondering aloud to Rin whether or not anyone still made Velcro shoes. As a child of the 80’s, I loved my Velcro shoes. Granted, at first they were purely functional because I didn’t learn how to tie my shoelaces until I was like 29 years old and your mom showed me how, but they were also the pinnacle of early 80’s haute grade school couture.
As the years went by I forgot about Velcro. I grew too cool for it and it just poofed out of my memory. That’s what happens when you don’t believe in things. Then suddenly last week it sprang back in from nowhere. Coincidence, or were the Adidas Adicolor Limited Edition Tron Shoes calling to me from the far reaches of the internets? “Save me, Daveknapik, I’m in here!!! Help meeeee!!!” Luckily it only took me a week to pinpoint the source of the distress signal.
As soon as we were able to think clearly on Saturday, we drove downtown to the Rush Street Adidas Store. After a cursory look through the shop, I asked a clerk about the Adidas Adicolor Limited Edition Tron Shoes. Immediately, his eyes lit up and he beamed, “We just got a new shipment in yesterday.” I told him I wore anything from a 9 to a 10 and so he brought out a few samples. They were immensely cooler in real life than in their jpeg renditions. They were Atari. They were laser tag.
Moments later, I found myself inquiring about the matching track jacket. If you’re gonna splurge, splurge! Unfortunately they didn’t have it, but I knew the Urban Outfitters a few doors down might. My newfound Adidas store clerk friend encouraged me in my quest, informing me that he owned the Kermit the Frog shoes and matching track jacket. He confirmed what I already suspected: separately they were nice enough, but together they were a one-two style punch sure to K.O. all bitches within a 10 mile radius and declare you the fashion champion.
When Rin found my size Adidas Adicolor Limited Edition Tron Track Jacket on the shelf at Urban, I nearly crapped my pants in joy. I hadn’t been that excited about anything since I first played Ms. Pac-Man on a tabletop machine at a Pizza Hut in 1982.
As soon as I got home, I donned my new gear. I vowed to never take it off. Alas, I found that the shoes weren’t all that nice to sleep in, so I took them off, only to discover the second best thing in the world about Velcro shoes: that lovely thhhhwwwap! sound the straps make when you peel them back. For a few seconds I closed the straps, then opened the straps. Closed. Opened. Closed… Opened!!!
I thought maybe if I were Matthew Herbert, I would sample the sound of my Velcro shoe straps opening up and then compose a house track from it. Between the beats I’d be sure to insert plenty of smug political commentary barely worthy of a first-year cultural studies student, though I would take great care so as not to make the music too experimental. This would ensure praise from the club kids while also snaring the indie kids who need something pseudo-intellectual thrown in so as not to have to admit to liking dance music. Most importantly, however, I would make it just easy enough to digest to make it good background music for department store shopping, perhaps at an Adidas Store near you.
But I’m not Matthew Herbert because Matthew Herbert is a big talentless overrated fucking wanker who ruined dance music for an entire generation.
I’ll take some pictures and post them soon. The Urban Outfitters photos simply fail to do these sweet threads justice.
Wanker Receives Another Free Wank From Some Other Wanker